Christmas 2015

Here I am again, thinking of what to write. Sorry for the random thoughts. I am just writing as I think and feel.

It’s nearly Christmas, and looking back I have always hoped to have my baby in my arms by this time of the year. What a feeling will that be! But again, I have failed — we have failed. Again, it’s not our year. I kept on asking my husband when will our time come? When will we be able to see that 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test? When will we be able to hear a heartbeat from a tiny heart growing inside my tummy? But he can’t give me any answers, no one can.

It’s just like our past Christmases. Just us two. We finally decided to get a tree. For the past years, I have always wanted to buy 1 but I kept on thinking to just wait until we have a child before buying. But I guess, there are just some things you have to do now, because you might not get the moment that you are waiting for. So we bought 1, it’s a lovely tree. We decorated it with a red and gold theme. But it will never be complete, just like us. The house is still empty. Don’t get me wrong, I know the love that my husband and I have is here and is still strong, but for people who understand, the house will remain empty.

We will start a new tradition, just us two. We booked flights for a vacation abroad. It’s quite a tight schedule but it’s a first time for us — to travel during the holidays, just us two. We wanted something new, for us. Just us.

I wish 2016 will be different. I don’t know how, since I know we are already doing everything and this is just really all up to God. I hope He finally hears our cries, and grant us our hearts’ desires.

Please don’t assume

Being the only couple in a Christian family who is struggling with infertility is so damn hard!
For a few months, we’ve decided to avoid family gatherings and it has been a breath of fresh air not being in the same table with them faking happiness and talking about their pregnancy and babies. Never did they ask us how we are feeling in our journey during casual dinner or lunch. I never felt their support, because for them we are the youngest in the family. It didn’t matter to them that 4 years have past since we got married. It didn’t matter to them when we asked help to seek other doctors. Few don’t understand this move, specially the “concerned” sister. Yes, I am sarcastic. She says she’s concerned but she is the quickest to judge. But hubby and I made this decision together because we’ve reached our limit. It’s time to prioritize us and not them. To guard our feelings and protect our hearts and minds from the unnecessary stress they cause.
They give out advices like “it will happen when it’s meant to be”, “just pray”, and my favorite “maybe God has other plans”. Wow. Really? Is that even comforting? Will you be able to do/accept that easily too if you are in my shoes? I know they meant well, but sometimes I think they can say all these things and just be cool about it because they never went through what we are going through. And in my opinion, that’s not really fair. Don’t ever assume that it is easy. Don’t assume that just because we are sad and we get depressed or disappointed and frustrated, we don’t trust God anymore. Don’t assume that we don’t pray because little do you know we’ve prayed a million times more than you have. Didn’t you ever think that maybe, just maybe, God did not gave you this challenge because He knows you can’t get through it and instead gave it to us because we are stronger? Be thankful for that. Pain does not have an on and off button that I can switch in seconds when needed . This is a process. Whether it’s moving on, failure of a recent procedure, looking for new options. All these takes time to accept. And all these causes pain and it takes lots of courage to get going. So please don’t assume you know anything, because you don’t.

Maybe

I have been MIA for few months now. I went through few depressing months and is just regaining control over my emotions (just so i thought!). Reading stories of heartbreaking infertility failures (and successes) were not really helping hence I took a break from blogging.
I can’t believe that its been more than 4 years since we started this journey. And as much as I wanted it to end, it’s still where we are right now and honestly I don’t know if it will ever end. And as much as I hope that I am better, well.. I am still not. It started when I heard that my sister in law was pregnant with their second child. It was not really that painful since it was their second child already. However, just today I heard that our new sister in law (who recently got married 3 months ago) was pregnant! Wow. In 3 months time, they were able to conceive and here we are trying for 4 years now and we’re still failing. It didn’t actually came a surprise because they were really rushing to have kids too and I am glad that they don’t have to struggle the way we do. But still, I am only human and it is still painful for me to hear that.
Anyway, because of that I came to a realization that maybe, just maybe me and my hubby were really meant to be just us two? Maybe our love is sufficient enough and we don’t need a kid’s love to support that? Maybe we are stronger than other couples who did not went through this? Maybe we, us together, is enough. Or maybe (and this one’s the craziest maybe I could think of) God is preparing us for twins? I need these maybes because I cannot see any other reasons why God will not grant our prayer and I do not want to go back hating and questioning God. I still like to believe that God provides all my (our) needs, so maybe I/we do not need a child. That’s the most valid maybe I can think of right now.

IVF

After 4 years of failed stimulations, after 4 OB infertility specialists, after many cycles of negatives, and one failed iui, we are moving to IVF. It makes us sad to have to take this another journey but this is our last and only choice left. I do not know what to expect anymore. For almost 6 months now after my operation, all we got were bad news. They say the more you try to get what you want, the more it slips away. But this desire of having a child is like a cancer to me eating me alive, consuming me. This journey has been nothing but disappointments and frustrations. I hope the IVF journey will be a better one.

Irony

For the nth night, I cried myself to sleep. I kept on thinking why God hasn’t answered our prayers yet, that maybe He already answered ‘no’ years ago and we are just too stubborn to accept? People say it comes when you least expect it, but when you are going through multiple expensive infertility treatments and procedures how do you tell yourself not to expect?! Of course everytime you try a different drug or a new procedure, you wish that it would be the last, that it would finally work because you are already drained mentally, emotionally, and financially. So how do you not expect? I even stopped working because as some of you know, I’m a pediatrician. As if a life of a doctor isn’t stressful enough, add a sad truth that I am caring for kids yet I can’t have my own. I stopped working so we can focus on the work ups, avoid stress and sad situations yet here I am, still not pregnant. I am putting my life on hold for this, not knowing where, how, and when it will end. All I know is we failed again last month and now is just another month where I am expected to smile even when I am broken inside.